As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
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Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards