Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
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News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Tell the colonel to bring it
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.