Me: Mattresses gain weight over time as they absorb dead skin, colonies of dust mites (which feed on same dead skin), oil, and moisture
Them: You need to learn how to have a conversation
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
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You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I liked Nicki Minaj a lot better when she was Michael Jackson.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.