As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
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A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell