As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

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Me: Mattresses gain weight over time as they absorb dead skin, colonies of dust mites (which feed on same dead skin), oil, and moisture

Them: You need to learn how to have a conversation


You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
Even though you make my hair turn grey


I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.


“You should only have to tell them once”

– People with no children


some babies are born premature but i was born very mature i just came out and i was like so what


I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.


I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.


I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.