As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

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Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”


Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.


Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool


Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.


If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now


There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met


you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed


Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.