@LifeUnPinterest

As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.

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@UnFitz

Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

@SilverKick

Chivalry died the same time you stopped being a lady, honey.

@bonehugsnirony

Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool

@Annekinns

Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.

@IfTonyTweeted

If the hackers that stole all those Yahoo passwords could tell me what mine is I’d appreciate it. I’ve been locked out for about 4 years now

@fluffysuse

There are three types of people:

1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met

@The_Law_Boy

you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed

@DothTheDoth

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.