As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
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My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
This guy gets it.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story