As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Who called it “falling in love” and not “assisted suicide”?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
Radiohead fans, this is for you.