As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
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[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.