As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
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[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
lol
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker