I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
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Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”