“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”

You Might Also Like


*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.


Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.


Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.


If you want to play frisbee
Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee
And when you get hungry from playing frisbee
Eat your frisbee


Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.


I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.


Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing


Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.


Her dad said he’d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.