@BrosConfessions

“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”

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@briancthayer

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

@MacAnnabella

Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.

@SteveKoehler22

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

@KidBeatnix

If you want to play frisbee
Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee
And when you get hungry from playing frisbee
Eat your frisbee

@Trisarahjtops

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

@iGreenMonk

I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.

@psybermonkey

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

@Mom_Overboard

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

@TheTalkingPipe

Her dad said he’d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.