My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
“As a student the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are ” I haven’t started either”
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*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.
Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
If you want to play frisbee
Buy a frozen pizza instead of a frisbee
And when you get hungry from playing frisbee
Eat your frisbee
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I always carry a mushroom with me, just in case my enemy shows up & I need something to make me bigger.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
Her dad said he’d like to see me make an honest woman out of her. I had to resist the urge to tell him that ship sailed long before me.