Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
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Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Once I read this story abt a meth addict, she’d vacuum her whole house daily, even the walls, and that alone was enough to keep me off meth.
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.