@jwoodham: As a white man, it's hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
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@murfect: *gets hit by car* Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY? Me: I need.. My phone.. Please.. *opens Twitter* Me:YALL WON'T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED
@ArfMeasures: [customs] "Passport?" *I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out* ME: OH NO OH GOD *still rummaging through bag* ME: I've forgotten it
@CloydRivers: If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It's science.