FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
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“Your name is Duck?”
“Got it. Duck”
Go fuGG yourself
“Haha. Classic Duck”
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Her: so u play piano?
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano