As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

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Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.


It won’t be the alcohol or cigarettes that kill me. It’ll be me laughing at an inappropriate time.


[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks


Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.

Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.


CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
CINDERELLA: im being abused
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit


me & my mentally ill friends when we complete small tasks like getting up before noon & completing an assignment


Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!


Does everyone have that ONE follower who will Fav the hell outta every RT…but wouldn’t even piss on your own tweets if they were on fire?