@jwoodham: As a white man, it's hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
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@UncleDuke1969: ME: What’s in the bag? FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid. ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine. FRIEND: Well, you know- ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine. FRIEND: ... ME: What’s in the bag?
@GuyThe_Guy: "Is there a Mr. Fields?" I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she's all mine.
@TodaysResume: During your interview, try ending every sentence with "dot jpg". "How would you say you handle job pressure?" --Not a problem.jpg
@coketruck76: I never use "a lot" or "too much" butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.