@LuvPug

As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’

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@BCMontgo

Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.

Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.

@KattsDogma

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

@notsoevilrick

Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”

@SaraMansford

Date: Do u have any allergies?

Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry

D: That’s an unusual reaction

M: They could’ve been wine!!

@Pirate_nurse

In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour

@Lisabug74

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

@Parkerlawyer

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

@Gupton68

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*