I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
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Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Jury: We’re hung
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Date: Do u have any allergies?
Me: I’m allergic to raisins. They make me cry
D: That’s an unusual reaction
M: They could’ve been wine!!
In lieu of a gift I liked a couple of charities on FB in your honour
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Wanna feel old? Only 6 people are now Kung-Fu Fighting.