@_SingleBabyMama

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.

- @_SingleBabyMama

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@Fab_Mommy_

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

@Lhlodder

Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.

@Getnosexual

I have twins because my wife wanted more children than she was willing to have sex with me…

@ibid78

[my 1st day as a doctor] I can’t find a pulse
[patient] that’s a trashcan. I’m over here
[me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying

@BoogTweets

[first date]

Me: so what do you do

Her: I’m a stay at home mom

Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house

@KeetPotato

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

@mars___bars

a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class

@Steelers1972

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership

@TheHatdog

Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*

@TheMichaelRock

[guy inventing Captain Crunch]

Hear me out, they’re razor blades, but they’re delicious.