As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
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[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it