As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
You Might Also Like
just pretend nothing happened
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
Me trying to look natural in photos
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Took my Airpods into the Apple Store yesterday. They sounded tinny and distant. Turned out I had them in the wrong ears and back to front. I am an award winning technology columnist. This is my story.
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”