@MichaelTrying

As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”

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@SoVeryBritish

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

@lisasopinions

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

@tweetsbyrocket

me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]

@Mom_Overboard

[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD

@Mikecanrant

I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.

@ColoChiver

My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.

@duplicitron

*returns four pounds of skirt steak to butcher* I’m sorry. This just doesn’t fit me like I thought it would.

@Emily_R_King

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

@KalvinMacleod

[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*