As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
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me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
IT’S-A ME,
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.