As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
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If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
This is what makes twitter great
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Based Erika
Me irl
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
he chose this
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
The French cow says MEUX…