As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
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If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
handsome & gretel
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese