As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
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Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Realize this:
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.