As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

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Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”


[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER


My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.


*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*


– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-


[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.


A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.


Holy shit.

My daughter found something on her own.

Am I done? Is she raised now?