@haveigotnews

As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

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@HollyMemphis

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

@pleatedjeans

[driving to occult ceremony]

“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”

[2 hours later]

[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER

@sarcasticmommy4

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

@poutinesmoothie

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

@schmittsteve

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

@TheToddWilliams

[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.

@HomeProbably

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

@SaltyCorpse

Holy shit.

My daughter found something on her own.

Am I done? Is she raised now?