As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
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*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Welcome
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!