Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
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[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My daughter found something on her own.
Am I done? Is she raised now?