As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.

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Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.


ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.


I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”

I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “


Wife:Did you take ambien last night?

Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that’s on fire*
No, why?

W:The dog’s wearing a saddle and she’s orange.


People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!


You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?


Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?