@TheToddWilliams

“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”

MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China

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@ShortSleeveSuit

Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries

@QwertyJones3

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

@SirEviscerate

CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.

@JessicaVarsity

Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.

@ThugRaccoons

Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry

Me: I don’t like you now

@AnOrangeSNES

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

@Beanpudd

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

@RobbyActually

Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder

@Chhapiness

FaceTime with mom is a great way to see a really magnified thumb

@T_Bonezzz_

Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35