“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
lmao
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.