Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
FaceTime with mom is a great way to see a really magnified thumb
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35