As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
You Might Also Like
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
s
oc
i
a
l
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.