@LordofScribble

As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.

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@Angibangie

A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.

@stephenjmolloy

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

@WilliamAder

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

@radalias

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

@Shenaniglenns

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

@freypalm

“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.

@sarcasticmommy4

Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.

@ParaComedian09

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

@DoogieHorner

Dogs are “practice babies” and cats are “practice ex-girlfriends you still have to share an apartment with.”