*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

You Might Also Like


I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.


If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.


My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.


Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.


DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great


*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”


I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.


6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*


Nothing is interesting as watching two very drunk people fighting.

That’s the one time you also witness slow motion effect in reality.


He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*