I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
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If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Nothing is interesting as watching two very drunk people fighting.
That’s the one time you also witness slow motion effect in reality.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*