@internetluke

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

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@mattZillaaaa

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

@Reverend_Scott

Inspirational tweet: There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. I hope yours is a freight train.

@Rollmaninoz

*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*

@WilliamAder

Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.

@toiletrapist

If I could have sex with anyone, living or dead, I’d probably pick living.

@SirEviscerate

*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*

*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*

@theroneman

[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]
Legos