@internetluke

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

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@drinksmcgee

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way that I was going to let her take half of my Golden Girls Memorabilia collection.

@JohnFugelsang

If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.

@Tbone7219

My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.

@Xoolun

Being a single man has to be depressing when you think that even a guy like Hitler had a girlfriend.

@Holy_Mowgli

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

@pittdave13

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

@TheBoydP

I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.

@KMoFlo_official

6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.

Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*

@thatudiboy

Nothing is interesting as watching two very drunk people fighting.

That’s the one time you also witness slow motion effect in reality.

@Try2StopME

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*