As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
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*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I hate my earbuds.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
“Huge”.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.