If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
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NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Got laid twice in two days so either I’ve done something really good or my wife has done something really bad.