@SondraDeeMe

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

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@goodbeanalt

[at olive garden]

waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be

me: olives

waiter: ok

@PleaseBeGneiss

I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face

@UncleDuke1969

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

@Jake_Vig

Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”

Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”

@KenJennings

WAYS TO KILL 2 BIRDS W/ 1 STONE
1 Ricochet
2 Retrieve, rethrow
3 Line up birds precisely
4 Huge boulder
5 Use lovebirds, 2nd dies of grief

@QBruby

Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house

Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room

@mccanncreates

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

@LeBearGirdle

“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”

mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-

[From outside] LOOFAS!

@Inferno_V

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots

@CornOnTheGoblin

I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG