As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
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It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single stepLao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies