30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
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*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Canadians have to stick together.
Really, it’s the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don’t have much of a choice.
I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.
Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?
Kids: WE DO! YAY!
Waiter: how do you want your burger?
Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare