me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
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You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
me: the usual
bartender: [hands me box of tissues]
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
ISIS, meet ebola. Ebola, meet ISIS. Problem solved.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”