@tomwalkerisgood

As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds

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@SladeWentworth

30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.

@1Happytwit

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

@MrBob_52

First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.

@BuckyIsotope

Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?

@_Mo_lee_

Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go

Bad Batman: Ben Affleck

@AthenaMystique

Canadians have to stick together.

Really, it’s the massive amounts of maple syrup. They don’t have much of a choice.

@MsFoxIfUrNasty

I just heard a dad at the gas station talk to his kid in a creepy Emperor Palpatine voice. At least MY dad just yelled like a normal psycho.

@ForeverHairy

Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!

@theshamingofjay

Waiter: how do you want your burger?
Me: *points to girl at another table not taking a picture of her dinner* that rare