As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.