As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Things true crime has ruined for me: hiking, jogging, dating, marriage, lighting up a room.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer