@TheDairylandDon

As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”

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@KatieBurnett

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

@DevilryFun

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

@LosLos__

Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?

Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.

@darkmatter_wimp

I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.

@Jandalize

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

@TheWeirdWorld

The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.

@Adam14

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

@vonTraphaus

Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers

@fro_vo

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris