Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
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You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?
Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.
6. MY FAVOURITE TEXT POST OF ALL TIME PROBABLY
I’m on a new diet where all I eat is soup on weekdays. It’s called: Miso Hungry.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
ME: no paris