As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

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The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.


*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*


My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.


I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.


HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island

ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island

H: Ok so that was easy


My coat is so covered with dog fur that someone’s probably going to throw red paint on me at some point today.


Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.


[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!