@Duke1173

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

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@MattMcElaney

Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.

@Carbosly

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

@my_minivan_life

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.

@fujichia

– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7

@MaverickGames

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

@Shen_the_Bird

me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world

genie: ok [snaps fingers]

me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed

genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly

@joshualandy

[costume shop]

Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?

@Donnie_Fairburn

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*

@GrantTanaka

7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like “hey dad, why don’t you remember our names”

@Chelsea_Fagan

the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes