@Duke1173

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

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@AllanForsyth

Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.

I now have to live with this missed opportunity.

@funnyortruth

Friend : “I wasn’t that drunk!” Me : “Dude a thief stole your T.V and you ran after him screaming “YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!!!”

@PaperWash

bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!

[everyone freezes]

bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet

@80sjams

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

@hellohappy_time

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

@pmclellan

So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.

@buseysteeth

You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

@charrrllaa

If anyone finds 786 barely used tubes of Chapstick around my city, they’re mine. I need them all back.