As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
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Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
I’m tired tomorrow.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…