“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
You Might Also Like
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.