As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

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*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.


The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.


*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”


I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).


Is there a way to fall gracefully? No.

But am I able to rise from this graceless decline and be the best possible version of myself? Also no.


(bed bath and beyond)
*walks to beds*
Wow nice beds
*walks to baths*
Wow nice baths
*walks through intergalactic wormhole*
Wow nice beyond


Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?

*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*

Rattle snake


My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.


Probably a good thing I’m not a ghost cause I’d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.