@brynnester

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me

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@MooseAllain

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

@UncleDuke1969

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

@stevevsninjas

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

@TheNYAMProject

“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”

– A Novel About Living with Small Children

@krisv_723

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

@MattyIceUS

So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.

@SatansTongue

Where is your 1,000 word essay?
“Right here”
*pulls out selfie*
That’s a picture…
“A picture is worth 1,000 words”
*becomes valedictorian*

@Playing_Dad

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

@Momfia

Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.