@johnnyw1981

As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.

You Might Also Like

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.

@haleysfalling

accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on

@bencoffeehall

If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.

@kimwilliamz

You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.

@ClichedOut

Waiter: how did u find your meal

Me: *sweating* i…i looked down

@kv8

Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.

@mewritesgood

I bought my nephew a drum set because:

A) I’m an awesome uncle
B) Learning to play an instrument is important
C) I hate my sister

@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

@joejwest

DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]