BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.
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Why do pretty faces happen to bad people?
accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
You are what your parents ate too..I’m part black licorice..part hot dog.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
I bought my nephew a drum set because:
A) I’m an awesome uncle
B) Learning to play an instrument is important
C) I hate my sister
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]