Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.
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uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is
As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I need to get some bricks…
I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!