As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.

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Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!


uber needs to start showing pictures of drivers’ cars rather than their model name… does it look like i know what a nissan sentra expecto patronum excel spreadsheet 2008 is


As a pot smoking narcissist, my life is all smoke and mirrors


A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.


I wish when someone called me my phone had an “Accept”, “Decline” and “Send Electric Shock” option.


At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.


Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.

Wife: Congratulations.

[2 hours later]

Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.