Two things all artists have:
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
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If you really loved me I’d be a weird smell coming from your crawlspace right now
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?
Me: my coworkers were just the worse
I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad
Me: that is correct
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.