[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
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My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Fidel Castro was alive?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Finally!
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.