@markydoodoo

[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]

me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day

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@ThisLocalHater

If you really loved me I’d be a weird smell coming from your crawlspace right now

@PostCultRev

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?

Me: my coworkers were just the worse

I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad

Me: that is correct

@Yair_Rosenberg

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

@capnwatsisname

[Dr. Strange casting read]

Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ

Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?

Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt

@StellaRtwot

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

@ashmensch

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.