As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
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My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Leaving the Barbers like
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.