it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
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I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
Not my job 😂
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.