Morning.
You Might Also Like
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
“That’s what” – She
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”