I love wikipedia
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
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god: give humans eyelashes
angel: what are those?
god: they stop things from getting in their eyes
angel: what gets in their eyes?
satan: eyelashes lmao
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.
How do we dissolve her parental rights?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
I live in constant fear that someone will reply “yikes” to my tweet, thereby ambiguously indicating I’ve said something improper
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.