As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

You Might Also Like


god: give humans eyelashes

angel: what are those?

god: they stop things from getting in their eyes

angel: what gets in their eyes?

satan: eyelashes lmao


Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.


My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?


I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??


therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u


I live in constant fear that someone will reply “yikes” to my tweet, thereby ambiguously indicating I’ve said something improper


Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake


I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.


In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.