@3sunzzz

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

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@50FirstTates

god: give humans eyelashes

angel: what are those?

god: they stop things from getting in their eyes

angel: what gets in their eyes?

satan: eyelashes lmao

@doublewenis

Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.

@SaltyCorpse

My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?

@meganamram

I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??

@ch000ch

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

@InternetHippo

I live in constant fear that someone will reply “yikes” to my tweet, thereby ambiguously indicating I’ve said something improper

@TheNYAMProject

Staying with my parents, part 6:

My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.

Me: WHAT? Nooo!

Her: Next time you should read the box.

Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you

Her: lol that was your first mistake

@2tickytacky

I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.

@Manda_like_wine

In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.