@3sunzzz

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

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@Sarrah_Sloan

-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult

@envydatropic

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

@BitchyJasmine

Did you hear about that music composer who committed suicide? His body decomposed.

@thepaulahunt

FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.

@UnFitz

I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.

@erichwithach

My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.

Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.

Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.

Be careful what you put out there.

@Michael1979

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

@chefelicious

I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…

@thechrisschmidt

My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.

@Beerhaze

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!