*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who