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@bighandsmassuer: As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself
God these don't fit me very well
@CatsVsHumanity: Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
@SkunkFarts: The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
@SteelCityDawn: A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
@dafloydsta: [dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn't start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
@EverydayGirlDad: As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I'd lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.