Fun Fact: I love it when Americans whose Great Great Great Great Great Great Great Grandfather emigrated from Ireland say “I’m Irish”. No.
As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself
God these don’t fit me very well
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*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Don’t even talk to me unless you’re an actual cup of coffee. In which case I’d listen to your story as I slowly sip the life from you.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
Mannequin challenge but me just standing in the kitchen, in the dark, holding the ice cream container as my wife walks by unaware.