HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself
God these don’t fit me very well
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Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
Me: There was a spider.
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”
*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
*Puts the band back together
Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?