@bighandsmassuer

As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself

God these don’t fit me very well

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@lemmywinkler

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

@usermcuserface

I don’t think I’d be as calm as Billy Joel was in that song if an old man was sitting next to me making love to his tonic and gin.

@Laser_Cat

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

@XplodingUnicorn

8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.

Me: It looks the same as before.

8: I added more snacks.

Finally, some meaningful renovations.

@DearAnyone

I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.

@hoedeehoe

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

@CantWaitToNap

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

@IvoryGazelle

Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u

@sarcasticmommy4

For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.

So, yeah, you’re right.

@get_stalked

Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
Marioooooo

Mushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad