@bighandsmassuer

As I slowly remove her panties I think to myself

God these don’t fit me very well

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@SteveDutzy

HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN

@AimeeHelene1

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

@Parkerlawyer

My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”

*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*

Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”

@LackOfShame

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

@IamJackBoot

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

@UncleDuke1969

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

@GregDunbar1

Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

@junejuly12

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

@QwertyJones3

Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?

Me: Word