@gibbet

As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..

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@SortaBad

Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink

@SoVeryBritish

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

@WilliamAder

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

@House_Feminist

Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries

@chrisdowning

Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.

@lwhit_the_boss

A girl told me how hard it is for her to gain weight. I said it’s hard for me NOT to. We had a good laugh & then I punched her in the face.

@Freudianscript

Being popular on twitter is like being the keynote speaker at a Dementia Convention. No one remembers you the next day.

@TheHatStore

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer