As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
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Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.