As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.

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“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”


My new year’s resolution is that donuts have no calories.


I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?


I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.


[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-


Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.


attorney: [reading my will] my darling wife, to whom i bequeath the totality of my…updog

[whole room groans]

attorney: it says to pause to allow anyone to inquire as to what updog is


[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes


Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.