If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
You Might Also Like
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes