Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
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USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Boss: What do you think happened here?
Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?
Kids: WE DO! YAY!