@bingowings14

As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.

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@AndyAsAdjective

Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?

@AaronFullerton

USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
Nachos: “Nothing.”

@RunOldMan

I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.

@mattgallo123

Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.

@rad_milk

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

@ElKnuckelhombre

I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.

@ArfMeasures

[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?

Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes

Boss: We drew those

Me: Another good theory

@QwertyJones3

“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”

-Automatic sliding doors

@ForeverHairy

Me: Who wants to go out to dinner and scream and cry and make daddy wish he wore more condoms?

Kids: WE DO! YAY!