kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
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Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Naming your daughter after a luxury car or precious gemstone is a wager with the universe that your parenting can make her not be a stripper
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
He just sat there.
Like a Psychopath.
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*