As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
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Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral