As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
You Might Also Like
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?