As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
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Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
*weighs self after shaving
The real reason evolution started..😂
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
this chia pet tastes awful
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.