As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans