As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
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Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
This made me chuckle cuz mood
#Caturday
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
guilty
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I can’t wait!