Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you’re just left with onion. pretty crazy huh
Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
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Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
Sorry, just got your text. Are we still on for last night?
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…