“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
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the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”
And I’m just like…….
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Me: Are you done cleaning?
Me: So what should you be doing?
She cleans like me.