@AndyRichter

As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.

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@roostermustache

Me: if u take an opinion and subtract 3.14, you’re just left with onion. pretty crazy huh

Girl at the bar im flirting with: *takes 9 shots*

@heyitsJudeD

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

@DamonHunzeker

If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.

@DadandBuried

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

@Boleyngirly

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

@MyPornKhan

Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”

@spookperson

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

@1ofthe7dwarves

PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.

ME: Is it saying anything?

PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…