girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
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asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
May never get over this
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.