As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
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At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
I ate everything, including the H.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.