as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
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Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
This kid will have a bright future.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
The struggle is real.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.