How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
You Might Also Like
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in