@electrolemon

as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died

You Might Also Like

@liv_thatsme

*babysitting*

Me (to my 4 year old nephew): I think I heard someone break in; will you go check?

@CulturedRuffian

Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!

Me: Why?

Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

@DainWins

[Driving w/date in car]

Date [turns radio to country]

Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]

@flashember

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

@OfficeofSteve

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in