As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
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I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Good morning!
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.