As if parenting in 2020 isn’t bad enough, schools be like:
“iPads must be fully charged”
“Read all daily emails”
“A ‘healthy’ breakfast is essential”
“Wear pants”
“Ma’am, your language is inappropriate”
“PUT ON A BRA!”
“Have you been drinking?”Geez. Give us a break already.
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Otters drive ottermobiles.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up