[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis
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Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
same energy
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]